


and time moves on

by enjolraspermittedit



Series: into a new life [1]
Category: Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy
Genre: (Nothing in particular gives that away but that's what I had in mind when I wrote it), (andrei is trans and opb does not like that), Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Mentions of religion, Modern Era, Numbered for no real reason, andrierretasha in the background, basically opb being a dick, essentially it's mary coming to terms with herself, lesbian princess mary, mentions of transphobia, mild stockholm syndrome implied if you squint? i guess?, sonya's also a lesbian, written in all lower-case bc that fit the mood better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 13:36:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14058102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enjolraspermittedit/pseuds/enjolraspermittedit
Summary: Mary Bolkonskaya has never been accepted for being a lesbian - her dad is abusive and she hates herself for it. Sonya helps.





	and time moves on

1\. when mary is seven years old, she doesn’t want to be chased by boys on the playground. she chalks it up to being afraid of attention and not having good experience with the one boy in her house, her father. mary sits in the corner alone at school, watching the girls, wishing she could hold their hands and hug them, because that’s what friends do, right?

2\. when mary is ten years old, she realizes that her father is, in fact, not the only boy in the house. she doesn’t fully understand the concept of being trans but she is ready to support her sibling now known as andrey. she always wanted a brother; something about girls is intimidating and she feels as if she should avoid them. but boys scare her too, for an entirely different reason that she can’t quite place. she knows that andrey likes boys and girls and more, but she does not know what she likes. or does she?

3\. when mary is eleven years old, she hears the word homosexual for the first time and it is not a positive thing. she swallows down the feeling it ignites inside of her and decides that her father’s words only hurt her because he is yelling and choosing to hate other people, not because he is choosing to hate her.

4\. when mary is twelve years old, she meets sonya rostova, who happily identifies as a lesbian. her guardian is the same and her guardian is also named marya and mary laughs it off as a coincidence.

5\. when mary is thirteen years old she makes out with random boys behind the lockers at school in hopes of changing herself before she can't. every time she does it, she gets more and more disgusted with herself but she can’t stop and she doesn’t realize that she’s doing this as a way to hurt herself until it’s far too late. 

6\. when mary is fourteen years old, her brother who is absolutely not a sister runs away because their father keeps insisting that he is a sister. he falls in love with a boy named pierre bezukhov and a girl named natasha rostova who just so happens to be a distant cousin and friend to sonya rostova. why does she keep thinking about sonya?

7\. when mary is fifteen years old, she is still religious, but not in the way that her father is. she believes that jesus loves everyone and that the only way to truly be a christian is to love everyone, which she tries to do, perhaps too much.

8\. when mary is sixteen years old, she whispers the words “i am a lesbian” to herself alone in the darkness, and then she is overcome with fear and rage and paranoia. what if her father overheard, somehow? the next day, she tells andrey. he claims that he knew all along and she wonders why the fuck she didn’t and why she was so repressed.

9\. when mary is seventeen years old, her father suspects something is up and he does horrendous things to her as a way to try to get her to change herself. mary learns to keep quiet. the young girl and the old man are both in a downward spiral but in completely different contexts. who will break first?

10\. when mary is eighteen years old, she could technically move away, but her father has not yet expired and he will not let her go, even though he hates her. she spends more time with sonya who is still only a friend but it is clear that they both want something more. sonya knows what goes on in the bolkonsky residence and she swears that she will protect mary if it’s the last thing she does.

11\. when mary is nineteen years old she finally gets the girl of her dreams but it’s more like a nightmare to her father. he doesn’t know how to care for himself but he somehow knows exactly where to hit his daughter so that no one will suspect anything and he knows of all the slurs that hurt her. and mary can’t handle this anymore and she needs to get away but she doesn’t know how because she’s trapped and she doesn’t know where to go. she wishes that she were strong enough and brave enough to fight back against the mean old man but she has no idea what would happen to her if she did. the prince looks down on her, but not right at her. did she wreck this broken home?

12\. when mary is twenty years old she comes up with a plan of escape. she should be happy but she’s scared because she doesn’t know where to go because she’s only ever been outside for school, work, and errands. she carries the name that her father gave her and takes the face of the wolf, running away from the wasteland, holding on to sonya’s hand, but she does not rejoice until they’re far away and only then does she dare to consider that she’s still human. this isn’t giving up - this is letting go. marya d takes care of her and threatens to fight her dad and mary does not know why she does not want that.

13\. for the next few years of her life she is terrified that her sweet sonya will leave her because she is awkward and plain and struggling with two decades worth of internalized homophobia. she does not want to go to hell but at the same time she doesn’t care where she ends up as long as she gets to be with sonya while they’re on the earth.

14\. sonya is good, sonya is good, sonya is good. she understands in ways that no one else ever could, not even andrey. mary is confused by the notion that somebody loves her but she supposes that she isn’t going to question it.

15\. when mary is twenty-five years old, she becomes mary rostova. sonya told her that she didn’t care what they did with their last names and that the choice was mary’s and mary personally could not wait to get rid of the dreaded bolkonsky name. there are no bolkonskys at the wedding, because her father is now in the place he always told mary she’d go to and andrey is a bezukhov now. all of sonya’s family is there and mary realizes for the first time in her life that she belongs somewhere.

16\. mary still struggles occasionally for the rest of her life but sonya is always there. mary still struggles with herself and her orientation and she still has fits of panic and flashbacks and there are times when she wants to waste away. there are times when she thinks maybe her father was right and oh god what if he isn’t actually dead and he’s there waiting to hurt her? rather than judging her, sonya helps her, holds her until the bad feelings pass, even on the days when they don’t pass.

17\. mary builds her life around the love that she’s found. her father being in hell and sonya being in her life doesn’t cure everything but it’s a reason to keep going and it’s far better than anything else. she learns to laugh and smile and she devotes her time to telling people like her to never give up hope because it’s not as cheesy as it sounds when she thinks about it. maybe things won’t ever be 100% okay but they’re definitely 100% better than they were a decade ago. she lives to love another day, every day.

**Author's Note:**

> i cried writing this lol  
> also, if you got the references to Get Scared, Pierce the Veil, Mother Mother, Rise Against, and Ghost Quartet, you're cool and also emo probably.  
> check me out on tumblr @rated-r-for-grantaire


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